YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
