just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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