and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
