What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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