Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize