That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
