His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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