Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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