I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
