Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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