I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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