Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
