man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
