Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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