I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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