hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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