Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
