just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
