I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
