wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
