Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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