Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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