I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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