I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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