Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
