i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
