I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
