Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
