mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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