I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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