It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
