you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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