Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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