Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
