my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
