My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
