We left an ass print on the piano.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
