Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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