I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
