So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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