i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
