I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
