I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
