I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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