i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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