Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
my liver is dry heaving
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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