im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Buhtt sex?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
