I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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