I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
