you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
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I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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