I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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