There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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