I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
