Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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