Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
