Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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