If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Damn victory sex feels great
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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