Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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