What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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