Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
